How Do Religious Women Cope with Marital Conflict and Hardship?

Abstract

Frequent conflict is a significant relationship risk factor for divorce, but it has also been shown that religion strengthens marriages, specifically in ways that give direction and motivation for couples in resolving marital conflict or other marital hardships. Thus, a study of how successful religious couples resolve conflict is pertinent in helping us better understand how to strengthen marriages and families. Our qualitative study of 113 highly religious women of diverse faiths and races found that women’s perceived relationship or connection with God reportedly impacted conflict resolution and coping with marital hardship. Results suggest greater reconciliation and unity with the women’s husbands through couple and relational processes, but more often through personal and psychological processes. The main themes that emerged are: (a) God is at the center of the marriage, and (b) God changed our character (internal manifestations) enabling us to be better prepared to navigate conflict and endure hardships in marriage. Part two of this paper will examine how external manifestations of a relationship with God (i.e., prayer, scripture study, and involvement in a faith community) further help women of faith cope with marital conflict and hardship.

1. Introduction

Historically, men’s voices have tended to dominate religious conversation [1]. This is likely because men have traditionally been the ones trained to read and write, allowing them to record and pass on scripture and other religious literature [2]. While there are more similarities than differences between women and men, there are some noted differences [3], and men’s experiences cannot adequately comprehend or capture the full breadth and depth of the female experience [4]. Just as we see more clearly with the help of two eyes, we can better understand the religious experiences of both men and women if we look more in depth at the experiences of both women and men. While we cannot go back in time to reclaim the stories of women of faith who preceded us, we can do more to listen to, record, and learn from the stories of women of faith who live now.

The aim of the American Families of Faith Project (AFF) is to examine the nexus of faith and family life. The women of faith branch is a new addition to the American Families of Faith Project. While nearly 150 scholarly publications have been derived from this rich data set of 261 highly religious couples from various races, ethnicities, regions, backgrounds, and denominations, this paper is the first to look exclusively at outcomes solely related to women.

The research in this study highlights the experiences of women from a variety of religious backgrounds in order to tell their stories and allow their voices to be heard [5]. More specifically, this study will explore how religion, specifically a perceived relationship with or connection to God, reportedly influences how women of faith cope with marital conflict and hardship, adding to the field’s understanding of the nexus of religion, coping with marital conflict and hardship, and family life [6,7]. The present study is valuable because it is one of the few large qualitative studies to collect and analyze interview data from women of several different religious and racial backgrounds and cultures. The study will not comparatively examine differences by religious affiliation, rather the objective is to look at the multi-faceted religious experience of diverse women of faith.

2. Review of Literature

Religion directly impacts the lives of most people on earth since “approximately 85% of the world is religious in some way” [8]. In the United States about 64% of the population identify as Christian, 30% identify as religiously unaffiliated, and other religious groups combined (including Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists) make up about 6% of the population [9]. Among other things, religion can influence the way persons perceive and engage with the world around them by affecting their family life, relationships, and communities. While several research studies demonstrate that religion can both help and harm families [10], there is a body of empirical literature that indicates that commitment to religious beliefs and practices is generally linked with positive and salutary outcomes for marital relationships [10,11]. Furthermore, social science theory posits that women experience things differently than men, making it important that we examine the experiences of both women and men [12,13].

2.1. Religiosity

What does it mean to be religious and why does it matter? Religion is often associated with an institution that is fairly traditional, involves moral codes, is collective, and is constructed by humans. Studies have shown that, when individuals maintain or rekindle a relationship with God, it tends to increase their commitment to their religion [14]. Marks and Dollahite [15] stated, “When religion becomes sufficiently important to an individual, couple, or family that decisions, actions, and destinations are changed, then we must pay attention to religion” (p. 24). The women in our sample self-identified as highly religious and were considered exemplary by their religious leaders. It is evident throughout their responses that their relationship with God and commitment to religion reportedly impacts these women’s decisions, actions, and destinations.

2.2. Strengths and Weaknesses of Religious Practice

While most extant research highlights positive associations between religion and family processes, research has shown that religion can also be harmful to family life [6,10]. Kelley and colleagues [16] found three main themes that help expound the positive and negative roles religion plays in people’s lives: first, how religious beliefs unite and divide marriages; second, how religious practices unite and divide marriages; and third, how religious communities unite and divide marriages. For the most part, couples in their study reported religion to be a uniting influence. Dividing influences reportedly occurred when principles were misapplied or performed in excess, or when couples did not share the same religion [16].

A recent overview that explores the pros and cons of religious life proposes eight dualities of religion as follows:

Transcendent and mundane spiritual experiences may affect families, families may experience God as a close confidant and an authority figure, religion in families may involve accepting and refusing actions, religion in families may include religious expectations and relational compensators, religion in families may generate and address relational struggles, religion in families may be relationally divisive and unifying, religion in families may bring perplexing mysteries and profound meanings, and religion in families may be a transforming and a maintaining influence [10] (p. 219).

These dualities reflect some of the complexities of trying to examine the influence of religion in family life. There are many contextual variables to be considered, including gender, age, geographic location, specific religious affiliation, childhood exposure to religion, and many other factors. This is why it is important that we study religiosity in depth and in a rich context.

2.3. Religion and Gender Roles

A strong feminist critique of religion in recent decades that continues in contemporary social science is that religion (including the Abrahamic traditions featured in the AFF sample) often perpetuates traditional gender roles and patriarchy [17]. While this claim has many verifiable features, book-length studies on women in Orthodox Judaism have revealed the narrative that “religion is sexist, patriarchal, and harmful to women” lacks both nuance and contextualization [18,19]. Like the Orthodox Jewish women in Davidman and Kaufman’s book-length studies, the Jewish, Muslim, and Christian women in our American Families of Faith sample sometimes critique, sometimes condone, but reveal acute awareness of their complex religious systems of belief, practice, and community. The racially, religiously, and regionally diverse women we interviewed varied quite widely in their perspectives on gender’s interaction with their religion. Even so, the experiences and insights they offered were not simple or monolithic. Indeed, one reason that the in-depth, first-hand reports of these diverse women are so valuable is that they allow us to avoid what the Nigerian novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie has called the “danger of a single story”.

2.4. Religion in Marriage

Research suggests that varying aspects of religion directly impact marriage [20,21]. There is also evidence that when spouses worship and attend church together, it has a positive impact on marital quality and stability and decreases the couple’s chance of divorce [11,20]. A study conducted by the Harvard Institution for Quantitative Social Science found that shared regular church attendance decreases chances of divorce later in life by up to 50% [22]. However, differences in faith, disparities in church attendance, or significant differences in religious commitment between partners can increase the odds of dissolution of the relationship [15,23]. Shared religious beliefs and practices in marriage not only help avoid such dissolution, but they have other positive benefits as well.

2.5. Religion and Coping with Hardship

Previous studies have shown that one way religion may positively impact marriages is by helping people positively cope with hardship, a benefit that may also be applied to dealing with conflict in marriage [15]. Religion may help couples cope with adversity and hardship in a variety of ways, including granting hope through hard times, lending to the development of marital virtues and practices, and by providing direction and motivation for couples dealing with marital conflict and hardship [24,25,26,27,28]. Additionally, religiosity generally has positive associations with relational virtues such as sacrifice, commitment, empathy, forgiveness, and marital unity [25,26,27]. These attributes can add to the strength and fortitude of a marriage and may aid couples as they face the many challenges inherent in family life.

2.6. Religion and Conflict Resolution

Religion and familial conflict resolution have been studied increasingly over the past two decades, and correlations and connections have emerged [10,29]. Lambert and Dollahite [29] found that religion impacts conflict during three stages of the conflict process: (1) problem prevention, (2) conflict resolution, and (3) relationship reconciliation. Mahoney [30] proposed that associations are influenced by a few core premises: (1) religion offers values and ideals for marriage and family life; (2) religious beliefs have the potential to influence conflict resolution positively or negatively; and (3) “… religion offers people theologically grounded systems of meaning that can shape family conflict in unique ways” (p. 690). Further, research suggests that religious couples tend to have happier and longer-lasting relationships [6,15]. More specifically, religion reportedly helps couples by encouraging the development of relational virtues and practices and by providing direction and motivation for couples dealing with marital conflict when it arises [24,25,26,27]. For instance, prayer is one religious practice that has been reported across studies to be particularly helpful in navigating marital conflict [31]. These findings are pertinent as frequent and unresolved marital conflict has been found to be a significant relationship risk factor leading to divorce [32]. Thus, a study of how and why successful religious couples resolve conflict is of interest.

In summary, previous research has shown that religion, especially shared religion, relates to marriage in several positive ways, but there is still much work needed to understand the nexus of women, religion, and marriage.

2.7. Why Religion and Women?

Women’s familial contributions are vital and irreplaceable. Women bear children, raise and nurture children, and influence generations. While women’s influences are extensive, women are also influenced by external factors, such as religion [24,28,33]. Women also tend to be more religious than men [34,35].

Smith and colleagues [28] found that utilizing religious beliefs during hardship helped some women maintain family cohesion in a more “understanding, sympathetic, and gentle [way]” (p. 33). A qualitative study by Green and Chuang [24] involved interviewees with 20 Jamaican adult women, examining how religion impacted their lives and the roles they held, including spouse, mother, and employee. Participants mentioned that religion led them to avoid using profanity around their children, to aid their children in developing their own spiritual beliefs, and to teach their sons how to treat women well. Participants also mentioned how religion helped them in their own upbringing by influencing how they dealt with complex issues such as sexuality, as well as influences like peer pressure and adversity [24]. Although such studies are rare, it is reasonable to assume that religion is a similarly multi-faceted influence for many women. Because women play such vital roles in creating and sustaining healthy marriages, families, and societies, it is important to identify and harness resources that most benefit women. In the present study, we are especially interested in how and why religion impacts how women cope with marital conflict and hardship.

2.8. Women’s Experiences with Marital Conflict Differ from Men’s

Previous studies have shown differences between how men and women engage in marital conflict [12,36,37]. Ball and colleagues [12] assert that women often hold a more subordinate position than husbands when it comes to conflict in marriage. In the study by Ball et al., women expressed frustration at not having more of a say in problem-solving discussions. The study further concluded that both men and women generally agree that men have the “final say” in marital conflict [12]. Bernard [36] found that men and women also vary in what they bring to a situation of conflict in the marriage. Women tend to be the ones who bring up the issues while men largely determine the outcome of the situation [36]. Additional research has shown that men score significantly higher in “competition” levels in the workplace than women do [37]. These findings highlight the importance of understanding the impact of gender-linked roles in marital conflict.

2.9. Theoretical Framework

This is exploratory work. We are not testing or confirming theory with this study, but rather seeking to develop mid-range or mid-level theory as we attempt to better understand the experiences of women of faith. However, there are connections between the work we are doing with both the social exchange theory and attachment theory. The social exchange theory is useful to consider because it focuses on cost and rewards and cost benefit analysis. Previous scholarship from our project has indicated that religious people do indeed attend to costs and benefits in making religious decisions [26]. Additionally, although attachment theory initially dealt with attachments between mother and child [38], later scholarship has emphasized that religious persons often establish a sense of attachment with God as a parent figure [39]. Therefore, attachment has implications in both adult to adult and adult to God relationships.

2.10. Why This Study?

A better understanding of how women’s religious beliefs—specifically their sense of connection or relationship with God—impact how they cope with marital conflict and marital hardship will make a valuable contribution to the field of social science. There are very few studies that qualitatively explore how religion specifically influences diverse women, and even fewer that examine how religion impacts coping with marital conflict and hardship for women. Indeed, Mahoney [6] called for more investigation of the impacts of religion on the family, including (and especially) marriage and parenting. Further, the intersection of religion and therapy has become an area of increased interest [7]. Research on how women’s sense of connection or relationship with God impacts their marriages would offer increased understanding regarding women of faith, their marital relationships, and how these women cope with marital conflict and hardship. The present study uses qualitative analysis of in-depth, face-to-face interviews to provide a deep dive into the “whys” and “ways” behind the influence of religion in the lives of devout women of faith.

3. Materials and Methods

The present study analyzed and coded interviews taken from the American Families of Faith qualitative interview database of 261 families. Highly religious couples from various races, ethnicities, regions, backgrounds, and denominations were interviewed together to better understand how religion impacts marriage and family life. Religious minorities (Jewish, Muslim, and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint families) and ethnic/racial minorities (African American, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American) were purposefully oversampled to learn more about those groups. There have been nearly 200 peer-reviewed publications from this landmark data set, but this study is one of the first to focus exclusively on women.

3.1. Data Collection

The families who were part of this national study represent significant religious breadth (over 20 total denominations), geographic scope, and racial diversity, with 51% of the participants being racial/ethnic minorities. Married participants had at least one child. Education levels of participants ranged from G.E.D to Ph.D., with varying socioeconomic statuses. Eighty-nine percent of the sample was made up of same-faith couples which were found by contacting religious leaders in all eight socio-religious regions of the country and asking them for referrals for exemplary families in their congregations who were “strong in their faith, and “successful… in their family relationships”. Participant families reported donating on average 7% of their income to their religion and spending an average of 11 h per week in personal and home-based worship activities.

Semi-structured qualitative interviews, which consisted of about 25 questions, related to the intersection of faith and family life. After receiving IRB approval, the interviews were conducted in person by professors and their graduate research assistants and took place in the homes of the couples participating from 2001–2017. In 2018–2019, additional interviews were conducted remotely through Skype or FaceTime. The interviews lasted between one and four hours (M = 2 h). The interviews were recorded, transcribed verbatim, and uploaded into NVivo software for analysis. While interviews included wives and husbands together, this study focuses on the words of the women.

3.2. Data Selection

The present study employed NVivo 12 qualitative analysis software to identify and select the participant responses that were most relevant for our research questions: Does belief in God influence women of faith? If so, how and why? To do this we first used the auto code function to separate participant responses by gender, allowing us to focus the follow-up analyses on 19,685 responses from the 261 women/wives. Next, we used the text search function and the custom context function to identify 1156 references (from 238 of the 261 wives) that contained words related to marriage that would help us explore our research questions (e.g., the list of approximately 30 search terms included words such as goal, spouse, and partnership). The computer-generated references included 60 words before and after the key search terms to offer context.

Our team then open-coded the 1156 quotes related to marriage (from the women). After going through about one-quarter of the interview excerpts, several main themes began to emerge. At this point the coders and the lead research assistant consolidated the codes based on overlap and similarities between existing codes and collaborated to identify key concepts that they observed. The lead research assistant then created a detailed codebook using guidelines from Bernard and colleagues [40] that outlined what qualified participant responses to either be included or not included in the categories for the themes. The coders continued to add to and modify the codebook as they went through more interviews. This additional coding resulted in 190 specifically identified quotes about coping with marital conflict and hardship from 113 women (43% of the 261 total women interviewed).

3.3. Sample

The participants in this study come from all eight socioreligious regions of the United States [41]. The participants identify with a variety of religious traditions including Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. Couples who were strong in their faith were intentionally selected for this research project, providing a better examination and understanding of the family processes, experiences, and outcomes of highly religious women.

3.4. Subsample

Given our focus on the experiences of wives of faith, a subsample of only the women was used for our study. Using a team-based approach [42], the 1156 quotes (from women) related to marriage were coded. It should be noted that, during the interviewing process, many questions were asked specifically about religion and marriage; however, no questions were asked directly about conflict resolution. Because participants brought up the theme of conflict so much on their own, we felt it necessary to address this in our scholarship. The theme, “conflict resolution and coping with hardship” emerged as a recurring theme in the women’s responses, surfacing 190 times in a total of 113 interviews. In these 190 references to “conflict resolution and coping with hardship”, the sub-sample was of a similar composition to the main sample, with Asian and Evangelical Christian wives being slightly overrepresented and Jewish wives being slightly underrepresented.

3.5. Analysis

For the current study, our team conducted axial coding of the 190 excerpts associated with the core theme of “conflict resolution and coping with hardship” data from women of faith (see

Table 1. Numerical content analysis of qualitative coding.

Theme	No. References	No. Interviews	% Interviews	Avg. No. References Per Interview
Theme 1: God is at the Center	82	53	27.9	1.5
Theme 2: Internal Manifestations	66	43	22.6	1.5

for precise axial coding results). We used guidelines from Bernard and colleagues [41] to track axial-code quotes with the help of the codebook, while also testing for inter-rater reliability (calculated at 90 for the themes present in this article). Finally, we systematically examined the identified quotes in the themes using the codebook and identified sub-themes. These thematic data offer insights to our central questions: Does belief in God influence how women of faith cope with marital conflict and marital hardship? If so, how and why?

4. Results

One remarkable element of this study is that the emergence of the theme, “belief in God influences how women of faith cope with marital conflict resolution and hardship”, was a spontaneous theme. In other words, participants were not asked directly or indirectly about how their beliefs influence coping with marital conflict and hardship. Despite no direct “prompts”, the theme still emerged 190 times (and in about 43% of the interviews).

In addition to our overarching theme, “belief in God influences how women of faith cope with marital conflict resolution and hardship” we identified three core themes: (1) God is at the center of marriage; (2) internal manifestations of a connection to or relationship with God; and (3) external manifestations of a connection to or relationship with God. Eight sub-themes offering further specificity were coded as well.

Many highly religious women from our sample (113) of diverse religions and races reportedly sought to cope with marital conflict and hardship by mutually turning with their husband to God (40% of coded responses). However, even more of the coded responses from the women (53.8%) reportedly sought to connect with God in personal ways to cope with marital conflict and hardship (e.g., personal actions, inward reflection, communion with God). These findings lead us to suggest that a woman’s personal relationship with God is linked to improved coping with marital conflict and hardship for couples of faith. We begin to outline this concept in Theme 1. Consistent with Marks’ [43] call to highlight participants’ voices, our findings include 30 verbatim statements from the women themselves. All participant names are pseudonyms.

4.1. Theme 1: God Is Central to Our Marriage

Women expressed a central focus on God within their lives, leading to positive outcomes in their marriages. We saw this concept present in many quotes from participants. As one Asian Christian woman, Asako, stated,

We have a harmonious relationship in our marriage under God’s guard. We have no conflicts. After we believed in God, we realized the importance and purity of a marriage. God is the first person in a marriage. Marriage is established by God. We value our marriage much more and we are very satisfied

Halimah, a Muslim wife, mentioned how her beliefs bless her marriage,

Religion encourage[s] both partners to take decision[s] wisely and not degrade the other person. That’s how I think religion helps [us] not to have conflict.

Yi, an Asian American Christian woman, said,

Now, our conflicts are fewer and fewer. There were more conflicts before … much more, before we came to believe God. We always thought of self and tried to argue, even if we were wrong. After we came to know God, our life has been different. We have fewer and fewer conflicts now because… we think in a similar way. Sometimes we have different opinions, which are ok, no problem, [but] we let it go, and we don’t want to argue.

Sophia, an African American Christian woman, said,

Have faith in Jesus Christ and center your life, your family, your marriage upon Him and things will work out. It won’t be perfect, but without Him you truly won’t be as happy as you could be.

And finally, Wachiwi, a Native American Protestant women commented,

I don’t think you can hold a marriage together [alone] because there are times we hit a hard spot… and God was our salvation. He was always our way to work through things. Without Him we would fall apart.

These women reported that marital conflict and hardships are seemingly easier to cope with when God is central to the relationship. A belief in God seemed to give these women a meaningful sense of strength and purpose that often allowed them to maintain a strong marriage. This demonstrated belief in God manifested itself in multiple ways, as discussed in Theme 2.

4.2. Theme 2: Belief in God Leads to Internal Changes That Benefit Our Marriage

A second core theme we found was that women often reported that an inward change occurred as they drew nearer to God, thereby increasing personal capacity and willingness to resolve conflict. Sub-themes that emerged from this core theme included the following: (a) a sense of commitment; (b) the importance of covenants and vows in marriage; (c) divorce typically not being seen as an option; (d) the presence and emphasis of virtues in the marriage; and (e) forgiveness and repentance towards God and husband.

Joelle, an African American Christian stated,

I think you have to trust God. You have to be able to hear His voice and practice that above anything else. Practice that more than praying, practice that more than going to church, practice that more than singing [and] praising. Learn to hear His voice so He can always talk to you and tell you what He really wants you to do.

Joelle’s belief that God knows best demonstrates a deep trust and desire to follow God. This type of connection or relationship with God reportedly led many of the women in the study to make changes in the way they developed their character and attributes. For example, many of the participants talked about being intentional in their commitment to both God and their spouse.

4.2.1. Sub-Theme 2a: A Sense of Commitment

Emily, a White Christian Baptist, shared,

If you make that commitment right from the beginning, if you enter marriage knowing that that’s your commitment, then when things get rough, then there’s a commitment to also keep working it out. And how you work that out is greatly aided by what we believe.

A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints named Sarah similarly said,

Well, the fact that we were committed from the outset to make it work was, I think, an important factor. Obviously, all couples have conflict in their marriage, and that’s part of the package. You cannot expect to have a marriage free of conflict, or any relationship free of conflict. But the commitment we had for each other, and believing that we had an eternal marriage if we abided by the contracts we’ve made, I think helped a great deal in overcoming any conflict that we had. Being able to discuss any conflict that we had certainly was helpful to [us as a] couple.

These reports reflect the core theme of commitment to God and each other, acting as a kind of glue in the marriage relationship. Participants’ shared commitment and beliefs reportedly gave them and their spouse common ground on which they could build a marital foundation.

4.2.2. Sub-Theme 2b: The Importance of Covenants and Vows in a Marriage

The concept of covenants and vows was mentioned by many of the participants and seemed to be a source of purpose and increased commitment to the relationship. Cindy, an African American Christian, shared how her commitment to her marriage translated into the promises she has made to God:

So, we came to know the Lord 25 years ago, and that’s when we really started to know what The word of God said. When you make a commitment and a promise to God; for us, it’s nobody but Jesus that has kept us together because of this commitment and covenant that you made before the Lord. For me, that’s what it’s been all about.

Similarly, Orthodox Christian Alisia reminisced on her vows she made with her husband at marriage and how that commitment has helped her to see God’s blessings:

For me, my religious beliefs… It reminds me of my commitment with my husband that I married in the church. And [of the] blessings God blessed us [with]. It helps me to think about the meaning of our relationship and our commitment to one another. What did we say on that day that we were going to do, regardless of the health and illness and the good and bad? [We do all of this] just to obtain, to try to solve conflict, with the idea of maintaining and preserving this family together.

Participants demonstrated that the vows they recited and the covenants they made at marriage acted as tangible evidence of the commitment they made to each other—evidence they reflected on repeatedly throughout their lives. This sense of commitment was further manifested through the participants often reported disinterest in divorce, as discussed next.

4.2.3. Sub-Theme 2c: Divorce Typically Not an Option

Another sub-theme that emerged was that many couples mentioned how divorce was either “not an option” for them, or that it was profoundly discouraged. Li-Fen, an Asian Christian, stated her understanding of the importance of making her marriage work, no matter what:

God created marriage, let no man separate. We would not think about divorce, no matter how big the difficulties are. We must work out and resolve the difficulties in the Lord. We would not address divorce easily. This idea [of divorce] cannot emerge into my mind.

Of course, this type of attitude is not always healthy (e.g., in the case of abuse,) yet the determination Li-Fen shows in choosing to invest in her relationship is clearly linked to her belief in God.

Danielle, an Evangelical Christian, mentioned questions she has asked herself during times of marital conflict:

There’ve been times that I’ve found myself getting very upset with him, falling out of love with him, being disgusted thinking, “I do not wish to be married to this person” and then I can rear back and think, “Who is thinking these things? Where are these thoughts coming from?” And when I can see that it’s sort of this impersonal attack against good, against marriage, against faithfulness, then I can say, “This is not my thought. This is just something… like some sort of flu just coming through and saying, ‘I’m going to work my way into your thought here.’” And so sometimes I have to sit down and read the [biblical] chapter on marriage. Or I will literally make a list of all the qualities I love about him, to [help me] fall in love again with those [qualities] and to keep my vision clear about who it is I’m married to and why I’m committed to this.

Danielle’s thoughts highlight the profound sense of commitment many women in this study expressed for both God and their marriage. Their words demonstrated that their relationship with God was linked to both intrinsic and extrinsic motivations to commit to their marriage—so much so that many of them vocalized that “divorce is not an option”.

4.2.4. Sub-Theme 2d: The Presence and Emphasis of Virtues in the Marriage

Personal development of virtues and attributes, driven by a relationship with or belief in God, was one core theme we saw repeatedly throughout the interviews. Diana, a white Christian woman, said,

I can remember… standing at my kitchen sink one year when we’d been married for a couple of years, and I thought, “I’m so unhappy, but I can’t leave”, because divorce was never an option. So, I said, “Either I’m going to change, or I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life”. So, I determined at that point that I had to change, and just become more Godly, and not expect so much for myself, not be so selfish and expect everything to revolve around me. I can remember early, when [husband’s name] would irritate me [I would think about] Galatians 5:22–23, “But the fruit of spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”. By act of my will, I chose to react in that way… I had to start being another person, and that other person had to be more [Godly].

Diana’s insight helps us better understand her motivation for improving herself.

A Christian named Charlotte explained how it takes time to develop all the virtues and attributes we would like in ourselves and in a spouse. She said,

One of the deepest things that has come to me as I’ve struggled with developing a relationship into a better relationship is… not to be discouraged with what your spouse isn’t, but to realize that they have eternity to develop into who you know that they could be and who you want. Nobody is going to have every quality. You don’t have every quality, so be patient with your spouse and be patient with yourself.

Jennifer, a Jehovah’s Witness, shared,

If I had a problem with temper, and I got married, and I found myself getting irritated with my husband, part of handling that would be, God doesn’t want me to have temper tantrums. You know? In fact, I should have been working on that. I would have been having to work on that as a single Witness, right?

The thoughts these women shared demonstrated a desire for personal improvement. Their motivation to improve reportedly came, in part, because of their belief in or relationship with God–a belief that also helped them be patient as they and their spouse worked to improve.

4.2.5. Sub-Theme 2e: Forgiveness and Repentance Towards God and Husband

Forgiveness and repentance in marriage were other important sub-themes that emerged during analysis. These principles of action not only reportedly drew women closer to God, but they drew them closer to their spouse as well. One Latina member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints shared,

I just feel like the Lord comes to me and is like, “You gotta at least say, ‘I’m sorry’. You cannot be good with me”, the Savior will say, “if you are not good with your husband” It is better to solve those confrontations… It’s okay to say, “I’m sorry”, and it’s okay to change.

A White Catholic woman named Amy elaborated,

If my relationship with God isn’t right or if I don’t keep trying to make that better, then I’m not as good with [my husband]. There’s times… when I’m not being, I’m not focused, I’m not centered. So, my relationship with God is very important to be able to be a good spouse.

Bik, an Asian American Christian woman, said,

Considering many broken marriages, they don’t deal with their own problems, but leave the conflicts to the other side [for them to fix]. Blaming another is sin. On the contrary, we should confess our own sin before God, and carry our own cross, which is very important for building a stable marriage, and then the marriage is on the proper way.

Repentance and forgiveness are principles that are taught in most faith traditions. Because these women were motivated through a relationship with or belief in God, they were reportedly led to reconcile with their partner when things went wrong, as well as to work to improve themselves.

5. Discussion

Qualitative research can help us gain a deeper view into the ‘why’ and ‘how’ questions in research [5]. We wanted to learn more about how religion influences coping with marital conflict and hardship for women of faith. We systematically coded 190 interview excerpts from 113 highly religious women and compiled three core themes that emerged in their responses: (1) God is at the center of marriage (43% of references) and (2) internal manifestations of a connection to or relationship with God (35% of references).

Because there is a relative lack of research on coping with conflict and hardship in highly religious marriages, and on women of faith in general, this study was primarily exploratory. The strongest overarching theme (43% of references) in the women’s responses was that conflict and hardship in marriage were moderated by God. The other major theme we found was a relationship or sense of connection with God tended to correlate with internal (35%) manifestations for these women of faith. Internal manifestations were broken into five sub-themes: (2a) a sense of commitment; (2b) the importance of covenants and vows in marriage; (2c) divorce regularly not being seen as an option; (2d) the presence and emphasis of virtues in the marriage; and (2e) forgiveness and repentance towards God and husband.

Many highly religious women from our sample of diverse religions and races reportedly sought to cope with marital conflict and hardship by mutually turning with their husband to God (40%). However, more women (53.8%) reportedly sought to connect to God in personal ways to help cope with marital conflict and hardship (e.g., personal actions, inward reflection, communion with God). Both approaches seemed to empower these women with more resources to help them proactively make inward and outward changes that they felt were highly effective in coping with marital conflict and hardship. Thus, through both personal and couple processes, these women’s perceived relationship with God influenced their ability to cope with marital conflict and hardship, resulting in greater reported reconciliation and unity with their husbands.

A sense of connection or relationship with God seemed to lead some women to change in ways that aligned them with God and in turn strengthened their marriage by helping them cope with and resolve marital conflict and hardship (see Figure 1). While this paper focuses on the left side of the model—internal manifestations of a relationship with God— there will be a follow-up paper that looks at findings related to external manifestations of a relationship with God.

This conceptual model is based on grounded theory. The model is influenced by the divine triangle model [43] and highlights a woman’s experience with her connection to or relationship with God and with her husband. The model depicts how conflict draws couples further apart from each other. Conversely, reconciliation and maintaining unity in marriage brings them together. We suggest that outcomes of both internal manifestations and external manifestations of a relationship with or connection to God impact wife and husband, which is why we included husbands in the model. However, our present work focuses mainly on the actions and beliefs of the wives.

5.1. Implications

The findings from this study highlight ways that a perceived belief in or relationship with God has helped women from varying SES, religious, racial, and educational backgrounds successfully cope with marital conflict and hardship in their marriages. Because unresolved conflict in marriage typically increases divorce [32], educators and therapists in family life education and family therapy should be aware of how religion impacts coping with conflict and hardship in marriage. If a perceived relationship with or connection to God does impact how women cope with conflict and hardship in marriage, then greater efforts should be made to study and understand this phenomenon.

Maslow [44] proposed that, as humans, we have innate needs including love and belonging (which entails a sense of connection, friendship, and intimacy), esteem (including self-esteem, respect, status, recognition, strength, and freedom), and self-actualization (the desire to become the most that one can be). For the women in this study, it seems that a relationship with or sense of connection to God helped them to meet many of these human needs.

Additionally, this study demonstrates how religious coping intersects with broader social and psychological frameworks. As documented by the decades-long research efforts of Kenneth Pargament, Annette Mahoney, and their team, religious coping includes both psychological (personal) and faith community (structural) aspects [45,46]. Often overlooked in early work, however, were the familial elements of religious coping that bridge and bond the personal and faith community aspects. The women in American Families of Faith offered reports that include each of these three aspects of religious coping, including psychological, familial, and faith community. Indeed, many participants’ responses reflected each of the three.

5.2. Limitations and Future Directions

This study was conducted with individuals who were categorized as “highly religious” and who were in long-term, strong marriages. It is vital to note that while our sample is national in nature, drawing from 33 states, it is not nationally representative, and the findings are not generalizable. Indeed, the findings are not even generalizable to other religious women. The sample was exemplar-focused and purposively selected due to the exceptional esteem in which these women, their marriages, and families were held in their respective communities. To restate, while this strengths-focused approach is valuable and contributory, the key findings are not generalizable.

Because of the impact women, marriage, and religion have on society, further research should continue to examine how religion, including a perceived relationship with or connection to God, impacts marriage for women. A greater understanding of how religion influences marriage will help researchers, educators, and clinicians make more informed decisions, thereby offering more culturally sensitive, informed, and effective assistance to religious women and their families.

6. Conclusions

As we conclude, we would like to draw attention to the fact that the American Families of Faith Project from which this data is drawn has been strengths-focused from the outset. The aim of AFF research has been to capture the best practices in successful family relationships. This study uses sound research principles to facilitate the deep exploration of exemplary marriages [42]. Given that there are thousands of studies on divorce, the small body of 160 American Families of Faith research articles represents a small percentage of the staggering literature on divorce. Yet the strengths in family life presented in these articles offer tools to family life educators, clinicians, clergy, and pastoral counselors. Additionally, these research findings may be useful for women of faith and marriages of faith from a variety of backgrounds, as the study offers insights from a diverse sample.

The overarching findings of this study suggest that religion, and specifically a perceived relationship or sense of connection to God, reportedly benefits many religious women as they navigate coping with marital conflict and hardship. A major theme among the women in this study was that God was central to their marital relationship, and this gave them the strength to become and do the things that would allow them to cope with marital conflict and hardship with their spouse. Having a relationship or sense of connection with God reportedly gave participants an outlet or a sense of control in their marriage when other factors seemed to be outside of their control. Despite partners’ decisions, women could always choose to turn to God individually and this helped them cope. Many women in this study also reported choosing to turn with their spouse to God. This is significant for women because it demonstrates the presence of valuable resources and stability available to women in relationships. We acknowledge the exploratory nature of this study and call for future research on how religion impacts coping with marital conflict and hardship for women. Knowledge on this topic is imperative for furthering research and education around families.